Do You Know How To Be A Lover To The Partner You Have?

by Pat Love

Imagine a relationship where your partner is committed to loving you the way you want to be loved.

If having a clean house makes you feel relaxed, he gets the vacuum out every day.

If you connect through sex, she loves this about you and wants to share it.

If getting massages is your thing, he never hesitates to rub your shoulders after you put the kids to bed.

If you thrive on reaffirmations of commitment, she tucks notes around the house for you reminding you she’ll always be there.

What would it feel like to know that your partner absolutely gets you and wants to love you the way YOU want to be loved, even if it’s not what they necessarily need?

It’s completely possible to have a relationship like this, but you have to be willing to give what your partner wants first.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving—To Both Of You

I know that when you’ve been feeling neglected, misunderstood, or unheard, it’s hard to think about what your partner might need. Yet this is exactly what you’re expecting your partner to do for you.

It’s what we all want.

That’s why one of the best relationship moves you can make is to find out what says, “I love you,” to your partner and give it as a gift.

But you have to ask. And you have to ask in a kind way.

People pay me to get this tip, because they’re often operating on the assumption that partners should just know how the other wants to be loved.

The reality is that your partner is not you, and they have their own unique ways they feel loved.

Now, when you ask, you have to be open to the answer—and open to giving love in a way that may not be what you would ask for in return.

For some, feeling loved might mean a lot of touch or planning a surprise vacation. For others, it’s helping out with the to-do list or making sure to ask about what’s happening at work.

But Why Should I Be Nice To Him If He’s Not Nice To Me?

When I work with couples in therapy, someone is bound to ask why they should bother to do what their partner wants when they don’t feel they’re getting the same in return.

Why? Because you feel better about yourself when you do the right thing.

You really can’t change another person—only yourself.

You get to decide what kind of person and partner you can be. What’s the best way for YOU to be the best partner—regardless of what your partner is doing?

If you can let go of trying to control your partner, and focus on the only thing you can control, then you’re actually on a path to transforming your entire relationship. As long as you stay stuck wishing for something different from your partner, you stay stuck in inertia.

But now imagine if, out of the blue, your partner dropped his or her requests (or complaints), and instead started doing all the nice things for you that make you feel loved. Your heart would open and warm to your partner, and you’d naturally want to love them right back.

In other words, by being willing to give first, you create the conditions for being loved the way you want, too.

What you can image, you can have. While you can’t always control the other person, you can control your behavior. You can take the high road, or the low road. And if you live according to your values, you’re taking the high road.

If that’s not enough to convince you, consider this critical skill of happy marriages:

Staying Together Is All About Knowing How To Reconnect

You may be surprised to hear that happy, stable couples have about as many problems as unhappy, unstable couples.

Every couple has about 10 problems they can’t solve. And if you do solve one, you get another one.

What predicts unhappiness and instability is that unhappy couples don’t have a way of repairing—coming back together and showing understanding after the rupture.

In other words, it’s not about the problem. It’s about knowing how to reconnect with your partner despite conflict.

And a powerful way to reconnect is by loving your partner—the way THEY want to be loved.

Learn how your partner wants to be loved, and you learn how to stay together. Meanwhile, you’re leading by example, content in the knowledge that YOU’RE being the best partner you can be.

The Skills You Need To Strengthen Love And Keep It Alive

The bottom line is if you want to be a lover, find out what says, “I love you,” to your partner, and give it as a gift. In order to do that, you need to:

1. Know that your partner is a different person than you.
2. Find out how they feel loved.
3. Give that kind of love generously.

While you and your partner are different, you share the desire to be known and to be loved.

In my practice and workshops, both men and women are relieved to finally be validated, perhaps for the first time. They get over the initial hump of needing to tell their partners what they want, because it feels so good when they start getting it.

With this comes the willingness to learn all the skills that strengthen connection and thus transform a relationship. Eventually, they find themselves in a new relationship, and they never want to go back.

In my program Wake Up In A New Marriage, you’ll learn specific skills to strengthen the connection between you and your partner, including exercises and questionnaires that will help you both discover how you each love to be loved.

My work is backed by research. As a lifelong learner, I love pouring over the science of what makes relationships work, and I have a knack for translating the data in a way you can understand and use.

My clients often say, “You understand me,” because not only do I validate their way of living and loving, but I help their partners treasure this as well.

In class 4 of the program, you’ll also learn how to determine the core values you want to live and love by, so that you are being the best partner you can be.

For this to happen, you need be congruent—acting out of your highest standards and not according to what your partner is or isn’t doing.

When both partners are operating this way, the entire relationship is taken care of, and typical problems don’t rupture your connection the way they used to. And when they do, you know how to get reconnected:

The gift you give is the gift you get. Find out what thrills your partner, and you discover a whole new way of receiving what you need—without any coaxing.

May you have an extraordinary day,

P.S.Wake Up In A New Marriage is really a new way of being with each other. Not his way or her way—a third way. You’re going to learn how to create an entirely new dynamic in your relationship that allows both of you to feel totally understood and loved.