Kids experience big, scary feelings from the time they’re born.
They fall and scrape their knees.
They have a fight with their best friend.
Their teacher scolds them for something they didn’t do.
The Scary Truth About Being a “Helpful” Parent
It’s hard watching your children struggle. As a parent, you want to be there for your kids whenever they need you, and so whatever you can to make their lives easier.
But can helping them actually be hurting them in the long run? The scary truth about being a “helpful” parent is that it could be setting your child up for lifelong problems. Learn why here, and how you can be supportive AND help them succeed:
They lose a pet. Or break a favorite toy.
It’s gut-wrenchingly hard to watch your child suffering with disappointment, sadness or despair. Your heart tugs at you and all you want to do is fix things, as soon as possible!
You want to say something—anything—to make those feelings go away. To see them smile again. To see relief wash over their precious faces because they’ve stopped worrying.
Maybe we scoop them up in our arms and tell them, “It’s okay, you’re ok.”
Or we offer to take them out for ice cream or buy them a new toy to distract them from the sadness.
Or tell them that what they’re saying about themselves isn’t “true” - they’re not stupid. They CAN do something right.
Maybe their anger makes us so uncomfortable, we say, “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal.” And we jump into fix-it mode: We tell them what we think is the best way to handle the issue.
Then there may be times our child tells us something that sends a chill down to our core. They feel “worthless”, or that they “shouldn’t be here”. So we blurt out, “Don’t say that! That’s not true.” And then we list all the ways they’re terrific and worthwhile.
We think we are making our child feel better. We think we’re rationalizing the situation for them. We think we are teaching them coping skills.
But in fact we may be doing none of those things.
Because all we’re doing is invalidating our child.
Invalidation Makes Our Kids Feel Worse, Not Better
When your child is upset, you may assume that what you’re telling them is making them feel better, not invalidated.
Christina McGhee, an internationally recognized parenting expert, speaker and author, says that “It’s true that most parents are trying to do the very best job they can, but there are a lot of ways that invalidation happens unintentionally.”
For example, your child gets a D on a test even though they studied hard and did all their homework. They come home upset and on the verge of tears. When you ask her what’s wrong, she says, “I got a D! I guess I’m just stupid. I’ll never get a good grade!”
You don’t want her to feel bad about herself so you quickly respond, “Oh honey, you’re not stupid. Don’t say that! You’re so smart. It’s just one test, you shouldn’t let it upset you so much.”
You think you’re helping by telling her that she isn’t stupid and that there’s no reason to be that upset. You assume that hearing your reassurances, she’ll think, “If mom and dad think I’m smart, I must be mistaken about being stupid.”
But that’s not necessarily what she concludes.
She’s remembering how hard she studied and still got a D on her test. Instead of believing you that she’s not stupid, she simply thinks that you don’t understand her.
Telling her that she “shouldn’t” feel upset doesn’t cheer her up or relax her, it instead leads her to conclude that she must be wrong for feeling the way she does, which makes her feel even more upset.
Now in addition to feeling down about herself, she’s interpreting what you’re telling her as she shouldn’t trust her feelings.
You want to put things in perspective for her by reminding her that it’s “just one test”, but for her, this test was very important. Instead of feeling better about it, she feels worse because she concludes she’s stupid for thinking the test is a bigger deal than it is.
In other words, says Christina, “Invalidation is when what we say or what we communicate to our child is that their opinion doesn’t matter, or what they’re feeling doesn’t make sense. That what they’re feeling is wrong, irrational, or that they’re overreacting.”
And that’s how reassurances, comforting statements, and “putting things in perspective” for a child come across as invalidation and makes them feel worse about themselves.
Here’s another example: Your child has a part in the school play. They’ve enjoyed practicing their lines and participating in the rehearsals. But now it’s the day of the performance and they have a lot of anxiety. You’re about to drive them to school but they are crying and telling you they don’t want to go.
What might you say?
“You’ll do great, there’s nothing to be nervous about.”
“But you have to go!”
“I can’t believe you’re so scared. You were having so much fun at rehearsal!”
You may say these things because you want to let your child know that you have faith in them or that you think they’re capable. You want to put them at ease. Or you want to teach them that they need to follow through on their responsibilities.
But what your child hears is:
- I shouldn’t feel anxious.
- I need to ignore my feelings.
- I need to behave differently to be loved and accepted.
And that’s certainly NOT the message you intended to communicate. Nor is it what you would want your child to believe about themselves.
Put Yourself In Their Shoes…How Would Your Words Make You Feel?
Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. What if something happened in your work day that upset you, and you came home and told your partner about it and their response was, “I can’t believe you’re so angry. You were having such a good week at work. There’s nothing to be so upset about!”
How would that make you feel to hear your partner say that?
Would you feel that your partner really listened and understood you? Would you feel loved and VALIDATED?
No, you’d probably feel dismissed and belittled.
You wouldn’t feel better at all!
According to Christina, the key to handling your child’s scary, big emotions is not trying to “fix” their emotions by telling them they shouldn’t feel that way, but to let your child know you understand how they’re feeling.
Instead of saying they don’t need to overreact or that everything will be okay, you might say,
“Hey, I get that. That makes sense and it’s normal. You know, if I were in that situation, I might feel the same way.”
What they conclude about themselves when you validate their feelings is:
- My feelings matter.
- What I’m feeling is normal.
- I’m not the only one who feels this way.
- I’m not alone.
- Mom and dad “get” me.
When we’re able to validate their feelings instead of trying to “fix” their upset, we teach kids that big, scary feelings aren’t something to be afraid of or avoided.
We teach them that their feelings matter and that they’re not alone.
We show them that we understand and that we accept them and love them when they’re having big, scary feelings.
This enables them to accept themselves. It creates the space for them to reflect and grow from the challenge they’re experiencing.
And accomplishes what you intended all along:
Helping them be happier, more relaxed, and more confident.
Here’s How to Be the Validating Parent Your Child Needs Right Now
Being able to validate your child’s big emotions takes skill and it takes practice. It’s not something we learned growing up, especially if we heard our parents saying such things as, “You’ll be okay, it’s not that bad,” or “Big boys and girls don’t cry.”
We catch ourselves saying the same things we heard from our parents, and unfortunately, we may not know how else to handle those difficult moments with our kids.
That’s why we created the Parenting Traps video program.
In it, you’ll hear from Christina McGhee and five other top parenting experts on how to avoid some of the most common mistakes parents make and what you can do today to ensure your children feel validated, capable, and loved.
You’ll hear how to phrase things so that your child feels heard and understood, even if what they’re saying is extra upsetting to you.
You’ll learn how to distinguish between validating feelings and validating behavior, because sometimes the child may say they want to do something inappropriate because they’re angry and frustrated.
You’ll learn how to skillfully apply age-appropriate validation, because it’s different when your child is a toddler and when they’re a teenager.
And you’ll know how to handle it when YOU are the one who messes up and fail to validate your child in the way you intended.
You’ll also learn:
- 5 ways you can help your children get a sense of significance and belonging while also helping them make better choices instead of shaming them for doing something “wrong”
- 3 ways that “helicopter” parenting damages your children’s confidence and sense of self, and how to help your children develop their own problem-solving skills instead
- The parenting approach that helps children develop a strong sense of belonging and an ability to handle disappointments and remedy their mistakes later in life
- Why it’s so hard to set limits and rules around “screen time” and real-life examples of how to use positive parenting in addressing this ubiquitous problem
- The common style of parenting that can result in a child growing up to procrastinate, not stand up for themselves or have relationship issues—and how to recognize if you’re doing it right now
And much more…
Here’s where you can learn more about how to be the most supportive, validating, loving parent you can be:
Our aim in developing this powerhouse, foundational program was to get you expert advice and real, solid takeaways and actionable tips and advice you could apply to your parenting strategy TODAY.
After watching this program, you’ll feel so confident about your parenting approach AND you’ll relax knowing your kids are developing valuable, life-long skills and positive beliefs that will serve them the rest of their life. Here’s where to start watching:
Your Friends at Flourish
Parenting Traps - with 6 Top Parenting Experts
Learn The 6 Keys To Raising Happy, Healthy Kids
✶ Yell and punish less. Laugh and cuddle more
✶ Instill positive beliefs and skills for lifelong success
✶ Make your job as a parent much easier and less stressful
✶ Teach your kids how to handle difficult emotions
