Every parent punishes, right? How else will kids clean up their mess, do their homework, stop fighting with their siblings, and learn from their mistakes?
But what if punishment doesn’t teach your child the lessons you’re hoping it does?
Why Punitive Time-Outs Don’t Work
Imagine if your partner came to you one day and said, “I don’t like what you did. Go to your room and don’t come out until you can apologize.” How would you feel? Would you be motivated to change your behavior?
When you send your kids into time-out, they feel and think the same things. This is why time-outs don’t work and only make things worse. In the Parenting Traps program you’ll learn a better way to approach your kids:
What if instead it makes your child think they’re “bad” and “worthless” and motivates them to lie to you?
What if it disempowers your child and makes them less capable of being successful in life?
It’s a scary thought!
That’s why, if you want what’s best for your child, this may be one of the most important articles you read.
You’re about to learn why, despite your best intentions as a parent, punishing your kids is a mistake. It doesn’t accomplish what you think it does and it actually harms your kids in the long-run.
Here’s why…
The Short-Term Results You May Get From Punishing Your Kids…
Let’s say your child is doing something you deem as misbehaving or acting out—such as throwing a toy at a sibling.
Or failing to do something that’s in their best interest or wellbeing—such as eating a healthy meal or doing their schoolwork.
As a parent, you don’t want them to think their behavior is acceptable or okay.
You want them to stop what they’re doing so they don’t hurt themselves or others.
You want them to learn a lesson or learn to be more responsible.
You want them to cooperate with you so they remain healthy and safe.
So what do you do?
- You ask them to stop.
- You yell to get their attention.
- You give them a “time-out”.
- You tell them they’re wrong and bad.
- You threaten to take away toys and privileges.
- You tell them to go to their room and not come out until they can apologize.
These are all punishments we think are effective in getting kids to behave.
And in the short-term, these types of punishments sometimes do get us the results we want.
Our kids stop whining. They finish their homework. They clean up their mess. They apologize.
Therefore, we feel satisfied that the punishments we dish out work, because our kids cooperate and do what we expect them to do—most of the time. We breathe a sigh of relief that—at least for the time being—our children:
- are polite
- get their schoolwork done
- don’t talk back
- and get decent grades
But in the long-term, none of these things predict the long-term happiness and wellbeing of your child.
In fact, punishing your kids to get them to “behave” and “act responsibly” is hurting them in ways you’ve probably never even imagined.
The Long-Term Effects of Punishments On Kids’ Behavior, Happiness and Wellbeing…
“Punishment works if all you want to do is stop the behavior. But what is the child thinking, feeling and deciding?” asks Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline and a featured expert in the Flourish program, Parenting Traps.
Let’s say your child threw a toy at their sibling. You tell them you’re taking the toy away and then you send them to their room“to think about what they did”.
What are they thinking, feeling and deciding?
They’re probably not thinking about how their behavior was hurtful to their sibling or how they need to apologize and do better. They’re likely thinking about how unfair your “rules” are, and how wrong they think YOU are.
They may ponder how they can get away with it next time.
They’re plotting revenge. (“I’m going to get my brother for telling on me!”)
They feel resentful and angry. They may tell themselves they’ll just lie to you in order to avoid getting punished next time. (“I didn’t do it!”)
They may feel rebellious, doing the opposite of what you’re telling them to do.
Or worse.
“They might become compliant. I worry about that,” says Dr. Nelsen. “You do not want obedient children because obedient children obey whomever they put above them. If they obey their peers, that can be dangerous.”
It can lead to mischief if they’re young or taking drugs or to participating in risky or illegal behavior when they get older.
Lectures and Scoldings That Teach Them the Wrong Lessons
Another way we may punish is yelling at them or lecturing how “bad” they are for misbehaving.
But hearing this from a parent doesn’t make a child want to take responsibility for their behavior, it only leads them to conclude that THEY are “bad”, not their behavior, according to Dr. Nelsen.
She says that rather than teaching responsibility and self-control, this form of punishment causes kids to feel shame and self-loathing. It doesn’t inspire them to come up with creative solutions or to take self-responsibility.
Punishing children with time-outs, yelling and lecturing doesn’t motivate them to think through the consequences of their behavior next time. It only leads them to believing they’re incapable, unworthy and unlovable, which may prompt them to unconsciously act out these negative beliefs about themselves.
They’ll believe they’re bad, so they’ll act bad. They’ll believe they’re incapable, so they’ll act incapable.
And that’s a big reason why you keep having to
- escalate the threats
- yell louder
- nag at them
- or pile on more severe punishments
They get stuck in this punishment-shame-rebellion cycle, and never get a chance to learn to take responsibility for their actions.
They become adults who believe they’re victims. Who lack self-control. Who are entitled or narcissistic.
Which is why punishment is a mistake and likely creating the opposite of the kind of future you envision for your kids.
“But what’s the alternative?”
When considering whether punishment is a mistake, you might wonder, “What is the alternative?”
If you ignore the behavior, they may accidentally do something that harms them or others.
If you let them do whatever they want, it will only escalate the problem because they’ll run all over you.
Punishment is a mistake, but permissiveness has its own set of problems and unintended consequences.
Fortunately, it doesn’t need to be one or the other.
There’s a way to parent that isn’t punitive or permissive, but still gets you the results you want now (children who know how to solve problems and consider the consequences of their actions)…
While ALSO showing you how to create the structure that makes it likely your kids grow up to be happy, confident, thriving adults.
That’s exactly what you’ll learn from our video program, Parenting Traps.
Top Parenting Experts Reveal Secrets You Can Implement Today and Make Your Job As a Parent Much Easier
You want to do what’s best for your kids.
But what is best? Sometimes as parents we “wing it” based on how we were raised, or do what we assume should work, but are frustrated when it doesn’t work. We think it’s our kids who are stubborn and unruly. Or we think we are inconsistent. Neither are necessarily true.
We simply don’t know what we don’t know.
That’s why we decided to turn to some of the world’s top experts and get their insights and advice on how to avoid the most common mistakes with parenting, and what to do instead.
Parenting Traps is a video program where you’ll learn a positive, alternative approach to parenting that doesn’t involve harmful punishments. You’ll discover how to get your kids to cooperate through positive, compassionate strategies that motivate them to listen, learn from their mistakes and solve their own problems.
You’ll hear why traditional time-outs are ineffective and inappropriate, especially for children under 3, and how positive time-outs can help you and your child calm down and develop healthy coping skills in times of stress and anger.
You’ll learn what to do and say to connect with your child before you “correct” them, so that they will be open to discussing a problem with you and more likely to follow through with a solution.
You’ll hear why certain statements you may be saying to your child when punishing them are leading them to develop negative beliefs about themselves, such as that they’re unworthy or unimportant. These are extremely common and most of us have either said them or heard them growing up.
You’ll learn how to reverse the negative effects of punishments and other less-than-ideal parenting approaches with your child, so that your child can feel loved and accepted at any age.
In this program, we’ve compiled the very best advice we could find from six experts on parenting, to help you understand and address what you need to do to be a more effective, relaxed, informed parent who does the very best they can for their kids…not just now, but for their future.
These were experts who were highly-respected in their field, have decades of experience counseling parents and best-selling books on parenting.
Our aim was to get you real, solid takeaways and actionable tips and advice you could apply to your parenting strategy TODAY.
You can start watching the video here and begin implementing the positive approaches right away with your kids:
We know parenting can be confusing and exhausting. But we also know it’s also the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do in your life.
That’s why we want to give you the tools you need to make your job as a parent much easier, more joyful, and more connected.
Your Friends at Flourish
Parenting Traps - with 6 Top Parenting Experts
Learn The 6 Keys To Raising Happy, Healthy Kids
✶ Yell and punish less. Laugh and cuddle more
✶ Instill positive beliefs and skills for lifelong success
✶ Make your job as a parent much easier and less stressful
✶ Teach your kids how to handle difficult emotions
