What do you usually say to your child when they mess up? How do you respond to your child when they want your attention when you’re in the middle of something?
Does Your Child Feel Worse After Talking to You?
What do you tell your child when they say, “I can’t do it!” or “I’m stupid” or “Nobody likes me at school”?
You probably say something to make them feel better. But did you know that most parents say things that end up invalidating their child’s feelings and make them feel worse? It’s just one of several well-meaning mistakes parents make. Learn more about what to do here:
Do you get annoyed with your child? Disappointed that they did something so blatantly wrong? Angry that they didn’t listen the first time?
Maybe you say such things as…
Not now, I’m busy!
You can do better.
What’s wrong with you?
I can’t believe you did that!
Do these statements sound like something you say to your child sometimes?
Here’s why your answer to this question is so important:
Your child is constantly forming beliefs in their mind about what your words and actions MEAN. What they’re concluding affects how they feel about themselves.
Depending on HOW you respond, your child may either conclude that they’re capable and loved and that failures and mistakes are simply opportunities to learn…
—OR—
they may conclude that there’s something wrong with them.
And if they conclude the latter, that could be the beginning of a lifetime of struggles when they grow up. Here’s why…
What Would You Conclude If You Were Constantly Criticized, Dismissed or Told You’re Wrong by the People You Love Most?
Think about it. What would you conclude if the most important person in your life regularly told you…
Not now, I’m busy!
You can do better.
What’s wrong with you?
I can’t believe you did that!
You’d probably start to think there’s something wrong with you or that you aren’t good enough.
Unfortunately, this is extremely common. In the 30 years I’ve been counseling people with all manner of personal problems, there wasn’t one person who didn’t have the belief they weren’t good enough. Isn’t that awful?
As a child, despite feeling like there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough, you still had to function in the world. You still had to go to school, make friends, do your homework.
You were conflicted. On one hand you sensed you MUST make it on your own, and on the other hand you concluded you couldn’t (because you felt there was something wrong with you and you weren’t good enough). That probably brought up a lot of fear and anxiety in you as a child.
Fear and anxiety are painful and children try to find ways to not feel them.
And that’s where survival strategies came in.
What Makes Your Child Feel “Good Enough” Is a Clue to Their Survival Strategies…and Yours
Survival strategies help children deal with anxiety and fear of not being good enough.
When your child asks herself, “What makes me good enough?” the answers could be:
- Having people like me
- Taking care of others
- Doing things perfectly
- Doing as I’m told
As long as she does the things that “make” her good enough, the survival strategy works. The anxiety stemming from the negative self-belief of “I’m not good enough” stays in control. But as soon as she faces a challenging situation again, such as being ridiculed at school or coming home with a bad grade, she once again feels the anxiety and fear that she’s not good enough.
This vicious cycle repeats over and over, and well into adulthood.
And it is the underlying cause of such adult problems as people-pleasing, addictions, and workaholism.
Here’s how feeling not good enough causes these problems.
Let’s say you are criticized by someone at work. Or you have a fight with your partner or spouse, or your best friend suddenly “ghosts” you and doesn’t return your calls or texts for days.
Really take a moment to imagine these scenarios. Are you getting a knot in your stomach or a racing heart just thinking about them?
Now let’s imagine that your go-to survival or coping strategy that you developed from childhood when you feel this way is “having people like me” (people-pleasing).
You’d orient your response to these situations around this strategy of people-pleasing. For example, you might:
- Take on extra work to “prove” you’re valuable and a good employee
- Apologize to your partner even if you haven’t done anything wrong
- Cook their favorite meal or give them a massage to get on their “good side”
- Text your friend with a compliment or upbeat message even though you’re hurt
- Pretend to agree with your friend or partner
Then, when your strategy works and your boss compliments you, or your friend starts speaking to you again, you relax, because you once again feel good enough.
However, none of these strategies permanently SOLVE the problem of you not feeling good enough. They probably don’t even get to the root of your conflict with your boss, partner or friend.
All this “people-pleasing” would do is help you feel better in the moment when faced with the very unpleasant feelings of shame, anxiety, fear, or loneliness.
You keep doing things to feel good enough but you’re not addressing the deeper problem of your negative self-beliefs.Therefore, your interpersonal problems keep repeating, and may keep getting worse.
Your lack of confidence in your work means you don’t get promoted. Your disingenuous relationship with your friend falls apart. Your tip-toeing around your partner causes you a great deal of unhappiness.
Here’s One Simple Question to Ask Yourself That Can Reveal Your Survival Strategies
Not convinced?
Here’s a way for you to test your own negative self-beliefs, whether you have them, and how they affect you now.
Ask yourself, what makes you good enough, what makes you important?
The answer should be, “Nothing. I just am.”
When your answer is anything other than nothing, it points to your survival strategies.
For example, you may feel that what makes you good enough is being respected and praised at work (doing things perfectly), or being there for your kids, partner or friends whenever they need you (taking care of others).
But the best would be not to need survival strategies in the first place, and to believe you’re good enough, important enough, without having to do or be anything other than just exactly who you are.
That’s when you can be free to be your authentic self, without worrying what anyone else thinks.
And that’s why it’s important to know what to do and say to your kids to instill that belief that they’re good enough just as they are.
So THEY can be their authentic selves when they grow up.
Avoid the Common Mistakes Most Parents Make and Help Your Kids Grow Up to Be Well-Adjusted, Happy Adults
You probably have a lovely vision of what kind of adult you imagine your child will grow up to be—happy, healthy, with a career they love and relationships that gratify them.
The last thing you want to imagine is your child ending up with a lifetime of problems stemming from the internal belief that they’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with them.
You don’t want your child to become a people-pleaser with issues around addiction and workaholism. Who would?
The good news is that you can take action NOW to ensure that you’re giving your child the very best start in life, beginning with how you interact with them and things you do and say. The other good news is that it’s never too late to make changes in how you approach your kids.
In my program, Parenting That Empowers, you’ll learn how to instill positive self-beliefs in your child during everyday interactions and when they mess up or make a mistake.
Specifically, you’ll learn:
- How to instill a sense of self-worth and confidence in your child with the things you say and do, and how to avoid instilling debilitating, negative beliefs.
- How to talk to your child in everyday situations so that they feel loved, important, worthy, and unafraid of stepping up and being creative.
- Tips and strategies to get your kids to cooperate without yelling, anger, or coercion that works and is fun.
These aren’t pre-packaged “scripts” of what to say to your child. Yes, I do recommend alternatives of what to say when your child messes up or refuses to cooperate, but you’ll learn how to respond in a much more compassionate and effective manner automatically by asking yourself 2 key questions first before you respond.
Here’s where you can start listening in a matter of minutes:
You can give your child a unique advantage in life. You can give them a sense of self-esteem and self-respect with the things you say and do. Let me show you how.
Love,
P.S. While we can’t control everything about our child’s future, such as the economy or luck or with whom they choose to spend their time, we do have control over what we say to them and how we parent NOW. And that can make such a huge difference in their self-esteem and future outlook. In the Flourish exclusive program, Parenting Traps, you’ll hear from me and 5 other parenting experts on how to avoid the biggest mistakes in parenting, so your child grows up happy, secure and capable:
Parenting That Empowers
The Secret to Raising Your Kids To Become Confident, Capable Adults Who Feel Free to Be Themselves
✶ What to say and what NOT to say to empower your kids
✶ Get your kids to be self-motivated and avoid parenting battles
✶ Empower your kids to have positive internal beliefs
✶ Have more fun parenting
About Shelly Lefkoe
Renowned parenting expert and cofounder of The Lefkoe Institute
Shelly will teach you how to Instill in your child the positive beliefs that lead to a happy, fulfilled adulthood
