Why Talking About Your Relationship Problems Makes Things WORSE

What do you do when you are upset with your partner?

If you’re like most women, you probably decide it’s best to clear the air and communicate your feelings.

So you mull things over, gather up your thoughts, and finally you’re ready to present your case. You wait for just the right time when you have your partner’s attention and say, “Honey, we need to talk.”

You figure that by talking about it, you’ll accomplish two things:

1. You’ll get them to understand what they did wrong, so they can make things right.
2. They’ll understand how you’re feeling and vice-versa, so you’ll feel closer

Unfortunately, what ends up happening most of the time is the opposite of what you had hoped would happen. For example…

Not only does your partner not take full responsibility for what they did wrong, they get defensive or make excuses for why they did what they did. (You’re the one who’s always complaining about your mother, but when I say something, suddenly I’m the bad guy?)

They twist your words or exaggerate the situation. (Oh, so you’re saying I’m never on time? What about the ten thousand other times I show up early?)

They act like a martyr. (I’m sorry, I guess from now on I’ll check with you first before I make any decisions, because I can’t ever make you happy with what I decide!)

And then YOU are the one second-guessing whether you should have even brought it up in the first place!

You start to backtrack your original complaint, wondering if maybe you overreacted or were responsible in some way for what took place.

Instead of Feeling Closer to Your Partner, You Feel Sideswiped and Resentful

When arguments like the ones above happen, you feel sideswiped.

You were just trying to communicate your feelings and needs. Isn’t that a good thing? Shouldn’t you be sharing your thoughts and feelings so that you can make things better?

Instead, all this “talking” just made things worse.

It created more misunderstandings. More hurt feelings. More drama!

Now, I’m not saying that talking is pointless. Sometimes there’s something that absolutely needs to be expressed or clarified in the moment, and talking about it is the quickest, most effective way of doing that.

But if you’re hurt, angry or disappointed, talking about it often won’t help.

And no, it’s not because you don’t know how to communicate effectively or because your partner is stubborn or unenlightened in some way.

It’s because men respond to “talking about problems” in a very different way than women. Women see it as an opportunity to connect. Men see it as an accusation that he’s failed you in some way.

Women Feel Connected. Men Feel Shame

You may feel better after venting your frustrations and trying to come up with solutions.

But all he feels is shame, inadequacy and weakness.

His shame is so overwhelming that he can’t see beyond it and acknowledge what YOU are feeling—tired, frustrated, angry.

He just thinks, “I’ve failed her.” He freezes up, gets defensive and shuts down.

The more he shuts down, the lonelier and more frustrated you feel.

The lonelier you feel, the more resentful you get.

And the more you’ll want to talk to clear the air and feel closer.

And so the cycle continues, and things get worse.

“But Then How Else Are We Supposed to Solve Our Relationship Problems?”

Before I answer this, I’m going to offer a radical idea for you to ponder:

Chances are, the problems you THINK you’re having aren’t the real problem anyway.

For example, if he regularly forgets to turn on the dishwasher and it drives you crazy. This is actually a symptom of a much bigger issue in your relationship.

The bigger issue in this case is a fundamental unfairness in your relationship. He’s failing to do something that YOU do every day—and you feel unappreciated and taken for granted.

But the dirty dishes are likely just the tip of the iceberg of this fundamental unfairness, and that’s why it has become this huge issue all of a sudden.

You need to address the bigger issues in your relationship without talking or complaining about them incessantly.

But that doesn’t mean ignoring the problem or pretending you’re not bothered by it.

You need to connect in a way that helps you and your partner understand each other, why your relationship operates the way it does, and what you can do individually to make things better.

All of this takes self-reflection, a willingness to become better partners for each other, and making certain positive changes in your habits and behavior.

I know, it may seem like a tall order, and one that’s impossible to do without a great deal of talking, but I assure you, you CAN fix your underlying relationship issues without going down the same, tired road.

Learn to Connect and Solve Your Underlying Problems THIS Way

When I work with couples to help them see what’s really behind their fighting, boredom, conflicts, and disconnection, they have a huge “AHA.”

They finally “get” what’s missing, and exactly what they need to do to get their love back on track. And it’s usually the OPPOSITE of talking about it.

But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs that kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.

When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).

You’ll also learn:

• How to “break-up proof” your relationship by getting to the bottom of WHY you feel dissatisfied, resentful, unloved or bored with your partner, and the specific tools to help you reconnect and fall deeply in love again.
• How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
• Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
• Specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
• The single greatest predictor of divorce, and what you can do today to reverse this if you recognize it in yourself or your partner.

It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!

May you have an extraordinary day,