Before your children were born, you probably had a vision of what kind of parent you wanted to be and what parenting would be like.
You imagined you’d be an understanding, kind, and fair parent.
The Key to Calmer, More Effective Parenting
What do you do if your child won’t do what you need them to do? Do you yell? Argue with them? Punish them by taking away toys or screen time (which leads to more tears and drama)?
There’s a key to effective parenting that doesn’t involve raising your voice or having to be punitive at all. But first you need to get to tune into your child on a deeper level so they actually WANT to cooperate with you. Here’s how:
You imagined that parenting would be hard work—of course—but that the joys and rewards would always be greater.
What you weren’t prepared for was just how challenging it would turn out to be. How mentally and physically exhausted you’d feel so much of the time.
Or just how bad you’d feel as a parent when you find yourself resorting to yelling, threats, harsh punishments or angry outbursts when your kids don’t cooperate.
You’d like to do things differently. You’d like to be a calmer, more understanding parent. But your kids continue to argue, whine, act out, throw tantrums…
And it leaves you discouraged and out of ideas.
That’s why I’m writing this article today. Because I want you to know, this happens to a LOT of parents for a very good reason, but there’s hope.
The 2 Common Parenting Modes That Can Leave You Frazzled and Frustrated
What’s the reason? Like many parents, you likely default into very common, ineffective parenting modes that often don’t work with your kids and leave you frazzled and frustrated.
Let’s examine those common parenting modes. What do you do when your kids won’t cooperate or want to do something you think isn’t good for them?
Say your 5-year-old wants to stay at the playground but it’s getting dark and you need to get home to make dinner.
Or your 11-year-old asks for a cell phone, even though you told him that you probably wouldn’t buy him one until high school.
Or your 9-year old daughter wants to have a sleepover with her friends on a school night.
What do you do or say in these situations?
If you’re like most parents, you FIRST shift into Lawyer mode.
This means you reason with the child about why they should or shouldn’t do something. You rationalize, form arguments, and offer evidence for why they need to cooperate—just like a lawyer would do.
We have to go now because it’s getting dark and we have to eat dinner. Didn’t you say you were getting hungry?
We already discussed all the reasons why having a cell phone is not a good idea at your age. Just because your friends are getting cell phones, doesn’t mean you’ll get one, too.
No sleepovers tonight. How am I going to make sure all your friends are up by 6 am and to school on time tomorrow? It just doesn’t make sense, honey.
Parents who shift into Lawyer mode do it because they think they can rationalize with the child and get them to acknowledge or accept why they can’t do something, but the child isn’t swayed. But when children want (or don’t want) something, they operate on emotions, not logic. In other words, when you approach them in Lawyer mode, they don’t “get it”.
Therefore, instead of accepting your logic, they whine, argue, cry, pout, or throw tantrums.
That’s when you get aggravated. You want to gain control of the situation so you shift into Dictator mode. Dictators don’t explain or rationalize, and they don’t wait for input. They demand compliance…or else.
You yell, “That’s enough, let’s go. Get in the car.”
Or you tell them to stop pestering you or else they’ll be no more sleepovers!
Or you punish them with a time-out or revoking privileges.
When you’re in Dictator mode, your anger and yelling further upsets your child. They get frightened and don’t know what to do next. They may have a meltdown. They may throw things or stomp their feet.
That’s when you may resort to yelling, threats, or physically placing them into a time-out.
Which may end the battle, but makes you feel completely crappy about yourself later.
Here’s a third option, which ends the battles in a way that makes you feel GOOD as a parent:
Learn to Be a Calm, Effective Parent and Enjoy a Happier, More Harmonious Household
The two ineffective modes of parenting—Lawyer and Dictator—either fail to get your kids to cooperate or make you feel like a lousy, mean parent.
So what’s the alternative?
It’s the mode I call being the Captain of the Ship.
I’ve spent decades working closely with families, and this is the mode I’ve determined that has the power to make you feel calm and centered WHILE inspiring your children to relax and cooperate.
Here’s why:
The Captain has the ability and temperament to sail through the stormy waters of childhood. The Captain doesn’t get influenced by whining or stonewalling. Captains are sturdy, alpha-energy leaders who know what’s best for the passengers of the boat (household) and don’t resort to threats or punishments to get everyone on board.
Captain mode works because your child senses that you are confidently in charge and willing to calmly listen to them without being affected by their emotions.
When you’re in Captain mode, you are in tune with what your kids are feeling, so they are more at ease because they know you understand them. They know you won’t lose your cool because you’re confidently in control of your emotions. At the same time, however, you are firm in your boundaries and limitations.
Believe it or not, all children subconsciously crave structure, boundaries and limits. They appreciate the calm, collected parent that won’t be easily swayed by tantrums and whining.
As Captain, you help your child:
- Move through her emotion, anger, and disappointment.
- Accept that you won’t be swayed by their demands
- Relax knowing you’re the authority on what’s ultimately best for them
The Captain is not overbearing or authoritative. The Captain inspires respect without demanding it.
When you learn how to be the Captain for your children, it’s a game-changer. They know you’re in charge and they can relax.
Suddenly, your kids want to please you.
As a marriage and family therapist, my clients want to know how they can change their child’s behavior. I tell them that’s the wrong focus. It’s not about changing the child, it’s about fostering a better relationship with the child.
That’s the key to consistently positive results—knowing how to be the Captain with your children.
In my video program, Parenting Without Bargains, Battles or Bribes, you’ll learn the principles and techniques behind becoming the calm, sturdy leader that your children need.
Additionally, you’ll learn a non-traditional, counterintuitive approach to parenting that allows you to forge a much closer and stronger relationship with your child, especially if you’ve been out of control with yelling and punishments lately.
You’ll also learn:
- Practical strategies for raising happy, cooperative children without giving in to every silly whim or unreasonable demand or exhausting yourself by keeping strict control over every single thing they do.
- A mental strategy for feeling better about yourself as a parent even when things aren’t going well or you’re having setbacks with your child.
- What to say or do instead of resorting to bribes and threats when our child is misbehaving so that you can keep your cool and get the child to cooperate because they want to, not because they have to.
- The 4 worst words you can say when making a request of your child and how to phrase your requests in a way that will establish your calm, centered “alpha energy.”
- The misguided parenting strategy that can cause your child to become an entitled adult, and the surprising remedy that can reverse this trend and help you raise your youngster to be an empathetic, kind adult.
And much more!
In this program, I answer questions such as: "What if my child is addicted to their electronic devices?" and, "What do I do or say if my child disrespects me with name-calling and insults?"
See and hear what I have to say about these problems:
It is my hope that after you watch Parenting Without Bargains, Battles or Bribes you’ll come away feeling hopeful and optimistic that the vision you had about parenting long before you had children can actually become a reality.
I can tell you that it’s possible, and it all starts with you.
Warmly,
P.S. If you’re not sure whether my parenting methods and techniques will work for you, no problem! Watch the entire program, try the exercises and evaluate for yourself if my principles strike a chord with you. If they don’t, you can let me know within 7 days of your purchase and I’ll refund your money in full.
Parenting Without Bargains, Battles or Bribes
A Groundbreaking Approach To End The Tantrums, Tears and Power Struggles
✶ Make parenting easier, and more fun
✶ Get your kids to listen, behave and WANT to please you
✶ Stay calm and connected to your child in difficult moments
✶ Strengthen your relationship with your children for the rest of their lives
About Susan Stiffelman
Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist, author, and speaker
Susan Stiffelman, MFT will teach you to strengthen the connection in your relationship and watch problems melt away
