Do you sometimes feel invisible to your partner?
As if you were a child? Or not worthy of consideration and respect?
Maybe it’s because they tend to make decisions for the both of you, without asking for your input.
Like when he or she RSVPs to parties and social events assuming you’re interested, too, or even available. And if you’re not, well, YOU are the one who has to explain to friends or acquaintances why you’re suddenly backing out or flaking out.
“Stop Trying To Control Me!”
When you point out something your partner is doing that is negatively affecting you, does your partner automatically accuse you of being too controlling? You’re not trying to control your partner, but you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like they’re single!
There’s a reason this happens, and it’s not what you think. Find out the underlying reason why your partner (or maybe you) makes unilateral decisions and how you can get to the bottom of this destructive force, so it doesn’t destroy your relationship in my eBook here:
Or when they decide to charge $500 on the credit card without discussing whether or not it fits in your monthly budget, or if there’s something you need to pay for this month that takes priority.
Or when he or she invites the neighbors over for a cookout on Saturday, expecting you’ll “be okay” with it, when in fact you were hoping for some quiet alone time that evening.
They throw things out without asking if it’s something you need or want to keep.
Or set the thermostat to a setting they are comfortable with, and you’re sweltering.
So annoying!
Maybe you also feel disrespected by your partner because they act as if THEIR job is more important than YOUR job.
You’re the one who always takes time off to care for your kids when they get sick, and your partner never even offers.
And when you need to schedule a repair or delivery? They assume you’ll take time off work to meet the vendor.
These are just a few of the various reasons why you may feel discounted by your partner.
This leads to frequent bickering and arguments. But instead of acknowledging your needs and feelings, they accuse you of being “controlling”.
They say they don’t want to have to ask your permission to do things or spend money. “As if I’m a child,” they scoff.
But you’re the one who feels controlled and dismissed, like a child.
What’s really going on here?
Why is your partner acting as if he or she was single? Why are they so clueless and inconsiderate?
If this sounds like your situation, keep reading, because I’ll explain why this keeps being an issue in your relationship, what’s really behind it, and what you can do about it.
You feel like you’re the only one in the relationship.
And the funny thing is, you wouldn’t be the only one who feels this way.
Does It Seem Like Your Partner Acts First And Thinks (About You) Later?
Over the last four decades, many couples have come to me in crisis due to one partner making decisions like I sometimes make toast: first I burn it and then I scrape it off.
They make a decision based on what feels good in the moment and then only later realize this self-oriented action had a huge relationship reaction.
Thinking only of yourself when you are part of a couple is a good way to get bad results— and the clean-up is often a mess.
I remember a couple who came to me after one partner accepted a new job that included moving to another state—before she discussed it with her partner. She got so caught up in the money and achievement of landing the new position, she failed to take the time to have a conversation, let alone give her partner a chance of providing input regarding this majorlife decision.
Needless to say, the recovery process for that act had a steep uphill climb.
Does It Seem Like Your Partner Acts First And Thinks (About You) Later?
There could be many reasons your partner is making these types of unilateral decisions?
He or she assumed you’d agree with their decision. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. Instead of making these sweeping assumptions, you wish they’d check in with you first.
Maybe they were single for so long before committing to you, that they’re simply not used to having to “check in” with anyone.
Or they think they’re “protecting” you from bad news or problems they think they can handle themselves.
Or maybe they do things like have affairs or spend money because they think they “deserve” it.
But whatever your partner’s personal reason is, one thing is for sure:
When your partner makes a decision that impacts you but doesn’t consult you, it sends a disconcerting message about your partner’scommitment and concern— not to mention your importance.
When your best interest is given no regard, when your opinion seems to be ignored, it is difficult not to feel disrespected, discounted, and insignificant—not to mention hurt, disappointed, and angry.
If the practice continues, it can easily build resentment and start to erode the trust and connection between you.
It can lead to a crisis, contempt, and ultimately, even divorce.
Therefore, this isn’t something you should necessarily brush off, or be resigned about.
It is something you need to address and resolve.
But bickering and arguing about it will only make it worse.
It will only add to the bad feelings you already have.
Asking your partner to stop doing it won’t workin the long run.
Telling your partner they’re being rude, inconsiderate won’t help, either. They’ll probably just get defensive.
Why don’t any of these things work?
Because what you think is the problem (spending money, saying yes to things for both of you, discounting the importance of your job, etc.) is not really the problem.
And also because—
Your Partner Isn’t Aware Of The Underlying Implications Of Their Behavior (And Probably, Neither Are You)
What you and your partner don’t know, because there’s no reason you would know, is that what you’re experiencing as your problems are mere symptoms of a much bigger, underlying issue.
This underlying issue represents a specific relationship system that’s broken.
The system is how you and your partner behave, how you organize your relationship, and the underlying assumptions you make about how that relationship should function.
And there’s a flaw in that system.
Unless you fix the system, you’ll never fix the symptoms.
The symptoms may be:
- Spending money in the joint account beyond the agreed-upon amount
- Committing to spending the time that will take away from time reserved for the relationship
- Agreeing to attend an event that will include your partner without consulting your partner
- Having private relationships that will threaten the relationship
- Refusing to attend partner’s family events
- Being unkind or indifferent to partner’s family
- Refusing to support partner’s work requirements or personal goals
- Being rigid about family decisions such as childcare, religious participation, food, travel, visiting
- Refusing to support partner’s personal goals
- Refusing to address normal expectations in a committed love relationship such as affection, sex, sharing household duties, sharing financial gains, socializing together, keeping the home in a comfortable fashion
So, in effect, your partner may apologize for not checking with you first, and agree to ask you first the next time he or she schedules a social event…
But since you still haven’t addressed the underlying relationship system that’s damaged, the problems (symptoms) will likely persist.
Next week, your partner will withhold sexbecause they’re upset with you.
The week after that, they’ll go out and buy a new car and you won’t know about it until it’s parked in your driveway.
A month later, they’ll announce they don’t want to have Thanksgiving at your mother’s and will be making plans with friends instead.
Since you’ve never addressed the underlying system, the symptoms keep manifesting.
You get more resentful. The arguments get nastier and louder.
This is why you need to step back and examine what’s really going on, why you keep being disrespected and ignored, and what to do about it.
And that’s where I can help.
How To Repair The Underlying Issue That’s Causing You To Feel Ignored And Disrespected In Your Marriage
There’s nothing worse than going around in circles with the same arguments with your partner, and nothing ever seems to get better.
You may start to wonder if your partner is just a selfish jerk, or if you’re fundamentally incompatible.
You may even decide you’ll “put up with” their behavior because you don’t want to separate or divorce, even though with every snide comment and hurtful argument, you are getting more and more numb.
There’s a way out of this, and it starts by uncovering the hidden forces that are destroying your relationship, and addressing and repairing those forces, or “systems”.
That’s where my eBook, 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of, can completely transform your marriage, no matter what you’ve tried in the past or how bad things have gotten.
You’ll discover why you may have a vague or overt sense of dissatisfaction in your marriage, and the most effective actions you can take to feel satisfied and happy with each other again.
In Chapter 6, you’ll learn the underlying system that’s broken when one or the other partner in a marriage feels disrespected or ignored, and how this dynamic is creating the very problems that up until now, you haven’t been able to solve.
You’ll learn how you and your partner can work together to create more synergy and respect in your marriage, using a practical approach and a series of “heuristic” questionnaires, which are specially designed to promote behavior shifts through the simple act of answering the questions.
You’ll also get tips and strategies to help both of you think, feel and act in a more supportive, respectful and safe way, so you build and maintain trust in each other.
One of these tips on repairing your broken system involves the use of certain words over others—based on research conducted with 5,300 participants that showed the effectiveness of this one positive action!
When you read the first two chapters, you’ll have that “AHA” moment about what’s behind ALL your relationship dissatisfaction, fighting and persistent issues, and more importantly, what to do about it:
A marriage can’t ever work if one person is only thinking about what they want, and never about the other partner’s feelings, needs or opinions.
My eBook will help you uncover the hidden issues that are creating this dysfunctional dynamic in your relationship, and will show you the fastest, most effective way to resolve it at last.
May you have an extraordinary day,
P.S. Do you wonder if your partner even likes you sometimes?
If it feels like the person who once thought you were the best thing on the planet now looks at you with disgust—or even barely looks at you—then you’re dealing with contempt. And contempt is the greatest predictor of separation and divorce.
In my eBook, 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of, you’ll learn all about the most common ways that contempt builds, how it escalates, and how to make sure this insidious emotion never gets a foothold in your relationship. Read all about this in Chapter 5 of my eBook here:
5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of
The Definitive, Six-Step Process That Helps Heal the #1 Cause of Conflict and Resentment in Relationships, So You Can Feel Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love Again
✶ Uncover the deeper, hidden reason you feel disconnected, resentful, and unhappy in your relationship
✶ Even if you’ve tried everything—finally resolve common arguments around money, sex, household responsibilities, “together time” and more
✶ Tools and strategies to go from despairing and hopeless to happy and intimate again
About Dr. Pat Love
Acclaimed author, speaker & therapist helping couples overcome (seemingly) insurmountable challenges to create a more joyous, connected partnership.
Dr. Pat will teach you how to strengthen the connection in your relationship and watch problems melt away
