2 Common Mistakes Women Make To Fix Their Relationship

Does this sound familiar?

You’re upset with your partner, but whenever you try to bring up your feelings and concerns, he gets angry, stonewalls or just plain disconnects.

You were trying to make things better, but somehow, things have gotten worse.

He’s angry. Defensive. Critical. Distant.

So what do you do?

If you pretend you aren’t upset, the problem won’t get fixed.

If you talk to him about it, the problem won’t get fixed.

And even though you don’t want to make things worse, things have to get better or this relationship isn’t going to survive.

It’s a vicious cycle, and the more you try to talk about it, or suppress your feelings and hope it goes away, the worse it will get.

But don’t despair. As hopeless as it might feel, there’s a better way to fix your relationship problems. And once you understand how and why men and women respond differently to “talking” about problems, you’ll be able to approach your relationship in a whole different way.

Men and Women Respond to “Talking” Differently

Talking with your man about relationship problems will not bring you closer. In fact, it just creates more problems.

That’s because men respond to “talking about problems” in a very different way than women do.

Women see talking as an opportunity to connect. That’s what women do with their female friends when they have a problem. They talk about it, listen, empathize, maybe offer advice, and feel much better (and closer) afterward.

Men don’t respond to talking about problems and issues in the same way.

When you bring up something you don’t like, or tell him that you’re disappointed or unhappy, he sees it as an accusation that he’s failed you in some way.

You may feel better after venting your frustrations. You feel a sense of relief.

All he feels is shame, inadequacy and weakness.

His shame can be so overwhelming at times that he can’t see beyond it and acknowledge what YOU are feeling—tired, frustrated, angry.

He just thinks, “I’ve failed her.”

He freezes up, gets defensive and shuts down. He accuses YOU of nagging when all you’re doing is expressing your needs.

His flat response or defensiveness makes you think he doesn’t care about your feelings, and you get even more upset.

The more upset you get, the more he shuts down, and the lonelier and more frustrated you feel.

I’ve seen this in the research and I’ve confirmed it over decades in my clinical practice as a marriage and family therapist.

Talking, discussing, nagging, reminding, venting rarely gets you the result you want, and it’s a mistake that can destroy your relationship.

Staying Silent or Biting Your Tongue Doesn’t Fix Anything, Either

You may wonder if letting things go or biting your tongue is the solution to all that “talking”.

But that doesn’t work to solve anything for the long-term, either.

“Letting things go” may keep you from descending into bickering and name-calling in the moment. But over time, ignoring the problem won’t make it go away.

It only builds resentment inside of you.

The more resentful you are, the more vehemently you’ll criticize and complain when you can’t stay quiet anymore. Like when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or sick.

And then your anger and resentment will make him feel like even more of a failure.

Here he was, thinking everything was fine because (you were pretending) you were fine, when in fact, (he thinks) he’d been failing you all along.

It’s a downward spiral toward an emotional disconnect.

You are afraid to be honest about your feelings because it causes upset and doesn’t bring you closer, and he’s feeling so much shame about not making you happy that he pulls away.

This leads to you growing apart.

And statistics show that 80% of couples cite “growing apart” as the reason they broke up or divorced.

It’s tragic, and it doesn’t have to happen.

There’s a better way to fix your relationship problems.

A Radical Idea for You To Ponder

I’ve established that nagging, venting, and complaining are counterproductive to fixing relationship problems. I’ve also explained why staying silent isn’t the answer, either.

But here’s a radical idea for you to ponder:

What if the problems you THINK you’re having aren’t the real problem anyway?

In other words, once you know the underlying cause of your relationship conflict, you can go about making the changes in your relationship that will actually make a difference—without needing to always have “The Talk” or staying silent and letting things go.

And this underlying cause might be that your relationship is fundamentally unfair. Or that it lacks aliveness. Or that one partner isn’t acting in the best interest of the relationship, but rather in their own best interest.

Those are just three examples of the five overarching problems with the “system” of your relationship that no amount of discussion or pretending will EVER solve.

When I work with couples to help them see what’s really behind their fighting, boredom, conflicts, and disconnect, they have a huge “AHA.”

They finally “get” what’s missing, and exactly what they need to do to get their love back on track. And it’s usually the OPPOSITE of talking about it.

When you can identify what’s really at the core of your relationship conflict, you can take the necessary steps to fix it.

Then talking becomes more about sharing your positive feelings and experiences.

…Or dreaming up new adventures together.

…Or discussing your desires and goals.

…Or reminiscing about happy moments.

…Or appreciating each other.

And THAT kind of talking WILL bring you closer.

Your partner will feel better and so will you—because he knows he can make you happy, and you feel loved and seen.

Whether you think the issue is poor communication, lack of passion, not making the relationship a priority, doing too much while your partner does too little—you name it, identifying the real flaw in your relationship is the first step to getting out from underneath all your problems and stepping into marital bliss.

So whether you’ve been languishing in something “just ok” or “good enough”, or you’ve been withering in a marriage that’s lonely, disappointing and soul-crushing, it’s time to stop going around in circles.

It’s time to pull yourself out of the pit of despair and do what actually works and rediscover an immensely satisfying, deeply nourishing love.

When you subscribe to the free Flourish newsletter, you’ll also learn:

• How to “break-up proof” your relationship by getting to the bottom of WHY you feel dissatisfied, resentful, unloved or bored with your partner, and the specific tools to help you reconnect and fall deeply in love again.
• How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
• Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
• Get specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
• The secret to reigniting passion in the bedroom, including specific techniques and strategies that will increase your connection, feel amazing, and boost your overall health and vitality.

A lot of these big “problems” have an easy fix.

It just takes awareness, a commitment to do better, and the right tools and information to make your efforts worthwhile.

Don’t give up on your marriage before you learn everything you can about what’s really wrong, and do everything you can to make it right.

I promise you; you won’t regret it.

May you have an extraordinary day,