Do you know people who just can’t help being rude and thoughtless?
They hurt your feelings without thinking twice. Most of the time, they’re unaware they’re doing it.
They cut you off with a snide remark, or give you “constructive criticism.”
Without being asked, they offer to be your “personal life coach.” They give you unsolicited and often overbearing advice on your personal problems.
Does It Seem Like No One “Gets” You?
One of the most painful feelings you can have is one in which you feel utterly alone and misunderstood in the world. Your partner doesn’t listen, your friends aren’t there when you need them most, and others don’t respect your time, talents, and needs.
The truth is, the reason you feel so alone isn’t because people aren’t showing up for you, it’s because you’re not showing up for yourself. Learn how to do that and you’ll never feel alone again. Here’s how:
Their thoughtless commentary just rolls off their tongues and into your unsuspecting ear:
That style of pants is not very flattering to your body type.
You haven’t asked for a promotion YET?
Why are you letting that jerk of a husband (or wife) push you around?
Why did you get that model of car? Don’t you know it’s got the worst fuel economy?
You really should be recycling those bottles I saw in your trash.
How come you never answer the phone when I call you?
You leave the interaction feeling ashamed, dumb, guilty, belittled…
What’s worse, you can’t stop thinking about the conversation long after it’s over—hours and days later. It rattles around in your head, not letting you relax, not letting you sleep, ruining your mood.
Why didn’t you stop them from laying into you?
Why did you just stand there, nodding in agreement when you weren’t in agreement?
Why did you apologize for something that you weren’t sorry about or that wasn’t your fault?
Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?
You Always Have The Perfect Comeback… Always Too Late
Oh, you have the perfect comeback. You know just what to say to defend yourself or your position.
Unfortunately, you don’t think of it until it’s too late. You can’t really bring it up now—the conversation has shifted. Or your interaction ended days ago, and you don’t want to seem petty and bring it up again out of the blue.
The shame and guilt hounds you.
Why am I so weak?
Why can’t I think on my feet?
Why do I let this person get to me?
You tell yourself you have to be more on the ball, quicker to spot the rude comment, so you can have your comeback ready, but it’s so hard.
It’s almost as if your brain goes to screensaver when someone is belittling you. Or you’re too busy listening to what they’re saying, and it takes you too long to fully process that they’re being condescending, controlling, or critical.
At least, that’s what seems to be happening.
But underneath, what’s really happening is far more complex. It has to do with your inability to listen and respond—not just to others and their myriad of hurtful comments, but to yourself.
And The Pattern For This Starts In Childhood…
How are we not listening and responding to ourselves, you may ask?
To answer that, allow me to back up just a tad…
You see, as children, we were taught about what’s “right” and what’s “wrong” from our parents, caregivers, extended family, teachers, or authority figures. We learned that certain behaviors resulted in praise, and some behaviors resulted in a stern warning, spanking, or disapproval.
Playing in the street = wrong.
Sharing with your sister and brother = right.
Hitting the dog = wrong.
Helping mommy in the kitchen = right.
Yelling and screaming = wrong.
Sometimes our parents or authority figures told us that WE were “bad” for behaving a certain way.
Because we are helpless to care for ourselves at such a young age, the idea of displeasing our parents or adult caregivers frightened us. In our developing minds, being loved and accepted was tantamount to survival.
If we weren’t loved, we’d be abandoned. If we were abandoned, we’d perish.
We therefore equated disapproval and being “bad” with abandonment, and therefore peril, so we’d adjust our behavior, or find ways to cope with our big feelings in order to feel safe.
The perceived abandonment and rejection in childhood created a “wounding” in our psyche.
And by the way, it doesn’t matter how lovely of a childhood you think you had. Every one of us has suffered some type of wounding like this in childhood, because no parent or caregiver is perfect or can be there for a child every second of every day. And the wound can occur with siblings, peers, religious leaders, and teachers.
This wound is subconscious. We’re not aware of it most of the time. It is there, in the background, and it gets triggered whenever we are faced with criticism, control, judgment, or insult.
Someone says something insulting or critical, and a sinking feeling develops inside us.
It is fear.
What do we fear? That we will be abandoned and perish, the way we feared when we were too little to understand what it meant when we were disciplined or punished.
Of course, as adults we logically know we won’t perish if someone is rude or thoughtless toward us. But deep inside, our ego wounded self still believes this is true.
Our Ego Wounded Self Doesn’t Have A Sense Of Time
You might think, “Yeah, but I’m not a child anymore.”
Of course not. But your wounded self—the part of you who is ‘programmed’ with many false beliefs—doesn’t have a sense of time. The wounds you experienced when you were 2, or 5, or 12, still feel as raw and painful as if they happened yesterday…
Especially when you haven’t even acknowledged those wounds or allowed yourself to fully face your fear.
That’s why many of us allow the wounded part of ourselves that carries all the false beliefs of childhood to run our lives when things become tense, or when we are insulted or slighted.
We “become” that scared child who is desperate to survive and cope.
We self-abandon—numb out in the face of that fear and pain.
We do what we may have done as children to cope with being told we were “wrong”:
- we comply
- we cry
- we automatically apologize
- we go silent
- we zone out
And that’s the reason why you have a hard time standing up for yourself in the moment, and sometimes even after the fact.
Your subconscious, wounded self is doing what it needs to do to “survive.”
In other words, you’re abandoning yourself in order to protect yourself.
To find out more about how your wounded self may be running your life and keeping you from being truly free, happy, and at peace, go here:
How To Stop Abandoning Yourself And Free Yourself Of Guilt And Shame
As long as you allow your wounded self to run your life, you’ll never be free of inner torment.
You will be a magnet for obnoxious, unloving people, bullies, or narcissists who manipulate and abuse you. You’ll allow others to shame or guilt you.
That’s because people who lack appropriate boundaries (obnoxious people, bullies, and narcissists) will feel comfortable criticizing and controlling those who can’t or don’t know how to stand up for themselves.
If you know how to stand up for yourself—and can do so in the moment—you’ll be much less susceptible to the rudeness and abuse of others. You’ll be able to stop them in their tracks and tell them that you’re not available to what they’re saying and won’t stand by and listen any longer.
This type of skill requires more than just memorizing scripts or being quicker with the comebacks, though.
It requires learning how to be more loving to yourself by listening to your inner child—your inner source of guidance—and knowing what type of action it needs you to take on its behalf in order to feel understood and safe.
That’s exactly what my eBook, Thriving At Last, will show you how to do.
Contained in Thriving At Last is the complete how-to for a 6-step process I developed in 1984 with my friend and colleague, Dr. Erika Chopich, called “Inner Bonding.”
It’s a process that will help you uncover the hidden reasons why you’re having relationship conflicts, including your inability to stand up for yourself in the face of rude and controlling behavior.
When you go through the 6-step process in the eBook, you’ll finally be able to bring to light the underlying beliefs and fears that are driving your painful interactions, and you’ll discover the specific action you need to take in order to be more loving to yourself.
You’ll learn how to dialogue with your subconscious—that ego wounded child or adolescent—in order to bring to consciousness and light all the buried feelings and false beliefs of childhood.
This is important to do, because if you continue to deny those feelings, or numb them, or self-abandon, you’ll never be able to feel truly empowered or free. Instead, you’ll continue to automatically react in unconstructive ways that leave you feeling weak and ashamed, when there’s NO reason to feel that way.
Find out how you can finally end the pain, insecurity, and fear that’s holding you back in life, and radically transform your life in just 6 simple steps:
The process contained in Thriving At Last always works, as long as you practice it.
Imagine standing up for yourself, in the moment, in a calm, assertive manner that leaves you feeling empowered and relieved.
It can happen, if you know how to listen to and embrace that inner child and make it feel safe and loved, always.
Blessings,
P.S. Feeling used?
For instance, do loved ones dump their day’s frustrations and complaints onto you, but seldom ask you how your day is going?
When you know how to treat yourself with love, consideration, and respect, others will naturally want to treat you the same way. Learn how to be more loving to yourself using the 6-step process in Thriving At Last:
Thriving At Last
Feel Like a Strong, Capable, Lovable Person In 6 Simple Steps
✶ Cure your anxiety, malaise, anger, and self-doubt by addressing the underlying cause
✶ Transform the quality of ALL your relationships through self love
✶ Learn the key to feeling empowered and resilient in the face of challenges
About Dr. Margaret Paul
Best-selling author and co-creator of the six-step Inner Bonding process
Dr. Margaret will teach you heal yourself AND your relationship with the powerful process of Inner Bonding.
