by Margaret Paul
Remember how good you felt when you were first falling in love with your partner?
Their attention and adoration made you feel attractive and amazing. You could do no wrong in their eyes, and you felt the same way about them.
The chemistry between you was red hot. There was no one else you wanted to be with more than your beloved.
It’s as if you were both different people back then.
Because now? Things aren’t quite as amazing or red hot as they once were.
Maybe the passion is gone.
Maybe you’ve gotten really good at hurting each other’s feelings.
Maybe you’re arguing all the time, blaming each other for everything that’s going wrong in your lives.
Your partner isn’t meeting your needs and they may be complaining that you’re not meeting theirs either.
Now that the “honeymoon” period of your relationship is over, you may be wondering:
Are you even compatible? Have you ended up with the wrong partner? Are you just not “getting” each other?
Here’s the good news: it’s probably none of the above.
Because the answer to why you’re unhappy in your relationship is something else entirely.
The Most Common Type Of Unhappy Relationship System. Are You In One?
Every relationship has a “system.” A system in this sense means the way partners interact with each other and what choices they are making from moment to moment.
The most common unhappy relationship system is some variation of the following example. See if you can relate:
Francesca and Hanley have been married for sixteen years. Francesca’s major complaint is that Hanley is often angry, or resistant and withdrawn. In either case, he is not emotionally available to her.
She feels resentful and lonely, and confronts Hanley with her anger, criticism, blame, and complaints. Francesca blames Hanley for her unhappiness, believing that if he changed, she would be happy. Additionally, she feels Hanley’s sexual expectations weighing on her. If she gives in to his demands for sex, she feels used, and if she doesn’t, she feels rejected emotionally.
Hanley’s major complaint is that Francesca is often unhappy and upset no matter how much he does for her, and that she is rarely sexually responsive. He feels burdened to make her happy, angry at her criticism of him, and deprived of a good sexual relationship.
He is lonely and unfulfilled in the marriage and blames his feelings on Francesca’s bitchiness and lack of sexual responsiveness. He feels victimized by her behavior.
He believes that if she would change, then he would be happy.
Perhaps you are in variation of this type of relationship, where you (or your partner) think that if only the other would change, you’d be happy, and your relationship would finally “work.” Things like:
If only your partner didn’t work so much and was home more, you’d be happy.
If only your partner was more appreciative of everything you do for him or her, you’d be happy.
If only your partner was more affectionate, less judgmental, more understanding, less clueless…
You get the picture.
While dysfunctional relationship systems differ in their details, they all have one thing in common: neither partner is taking responsibility for their own feelings and needs.
A relationship system where each person is dependent on the other for their feelings of safety, well-being, and self-worth is a codependent relationship.
It’s the most common dysfunctional relationship system. And if you’re in one, there’s something you need to know…
Get the TruthThe Hard Truth About Codependent Relationships
In codependent relationships, both you and your partner believe that the only way to feel lovable, valued, and safe is to control how your partner behaves toward you.
Therefore, you blame, shame, judge, manipulate, and criticize your partner when you’re not feeling good in your own skin. You put the burden on your partner and make them responsible for your feelings.
When you’re anxious, miserable, or angry, you try to “control” your partner (and vice-versa) to give you what you need, which you may believe is attention, affection, appreciation, and validation.
In a codependent relationship, you both become a bottomless pit of need and desire and your relationship is contentious and unhappy.
Why?
Because no one can do for you what you can and need to be doing for yourself.
No one can “make” you feel valued if you don’t value yourself.
No one can “make” you feel lovable if you aren’t being loving to yourself.
And that’s the hard truth you need to know.
The only path toward true relationship happiness and joy isn’t trying to get your partner to change or to behave a certain way toward you. It’s through a process that shows you how to give yourself the regard and loving care you so crave.
I call this process “Inner Bonding.”
And it is through this remarkable process that you can finally be free of codependent relationships to not only feel content and at peace in your own skin, but feel wildly, deeply, joyously in love with your partner again.
The Process That Always Works To Free You From The Emotional Prison Of Co-Dependent Relationships
Inner bonding is a process I’ve developed together with my friend and fellow therapist, Dr. Erika Chopich, and have taught to thousands of people all over the world.
This process shows you how to take complete responsibility for the feelings of anger, misery, anxiousness, depression, and emptiness that come up within you—both in and out of relationship.
You’ll be able to soothe your own feelings—all by yourself—which means you’ll be able to heal the roots of these feelings once and for all.
By doing so, you no longer need to engage in controlling behavior—and you essentially break your end of the co-dependent system within your relationship.
You’ll stop taking things so personally. Conflict will be an opportunity for learning more about your partner, instead of descending into angry accusations, defensiveness, or worse—screaming battles.
You’ll feel deeply at peace and secure within yourself and therefore, not looking to your partner to behave or do things that give you a sense of security and peace.
Here’s the best part…
This process, if you follow it, always works—but of course you need to actually do it for it to work.
And it’s why people who have tried other forms of therapy finally have real breakthroughs. Especially in their relationships.
I’ve put this process together into a 30-day program called Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love. You’ll receive 30 daily videos where I’ll coach you through the principles behind Inner Bonding, and give you actionable steps to implement in your life so you make real progress. Here’s where to get started:
Discover This Breakthrough ProcessYou don’t need to be an emotional prisoner of a codependent relationship any longer.
You can find your way toward feeling loved, accepted, and valued regardless of what anyone says, does, or doesn’t do.
Not only does this mean that you can heal the rift between you and your partner, but you can become a more loving friend, parent, and sibling, too.
I can’t wait to show you how.
Blessings,
P.S. Are you wondering whether to leave your relationship?
If there’s abuse, then yes, you should end the relationship for your own safety. But if not, before you even consider leaving, you must heal your end of the relationship system FIRST, or else the problems you’re experiencing with your current partner will just repeat with your next partner.
My program Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love will break the cycle of relationship strife by showing you how to heal what’s causing you so much pain and unhappiness in the first place. After you go through my program, you may just decide you don’t want to leave, after all.
Heal Yourself First