by Pat Love
How did your relationship end up this way?
At one point, your partner enthusiastically put you first. Spending time with you was a priority. Checking in with you about decisions was a given. Now, you often seem to be the last thing on their mind.
There’s no excitement, little connection, and a feeling of just going through the motions.
Sometimes, you wonder what’s the point of being in a relationship if it’s going to be like THIS.
You don’t exactly want to start over with someone new, but you can’t bear the thought of continuing this way.
You’re stuck in a rut, and you don’t know how to get out of it. Maybe, you’ve tried “everything.” That’s exactly what many of the couples who have come to me for counseling have said.
“We’ve Tried It All, And We’re Quickly Losing Hope”
In the 40 years that I’ve been a marriage and family therapy, I’ve seen it all. Couples typically try a number of “strategies” to get back that joyful connection they once had.
- They’ve talked their relationship to death. They know what their issues are, but they’re not going away.
- They’ve implemented date nights, but they’ve been fighting so much on a regular basis that a scheduled outing feels more like being cornered in an elevator by someone you really don’t want to be romantic with.
- They’ve redistributed the chores around the house, but one or both of them still feels taken for granted.
- They’ve started budgeting together, but the money arguments continue or get worse.
- They’ve tried to mix things up in the bedroom, but this has done zero to bring back drive and desire.
And when none of these measures help, guess what happens? The couple spirals deeper into despair.
Having tried “everything,” they conclude they’re either stuck in an unfulfilling situation forevermore, or faced with the painful possibility of calling it quits.
What they don’t realize is that they HAVEN’T tried everything, because they’ve actually been working on the wrong problem. And that’s their biggest problem of all. It’s really their ONLY problem, as you’ll soon see…
The Iceberg In Most Couple’s Relationships (Or What You Don’t See Can Really Hurt You)
If you’re stuck in a relationship rut and losing hope, I can practically guarantee you’ve been frantically pecking at the wrong problem while completely ignoring the real substance below.
In other words, you’re not fixing the issue because you don’t know what it really is.
How can I be so sure this is your problem when I’ve never met you? Because I’ve found that nearly everything a couple argues are caused by one of 5 flaws in the foundation of the relationship:
- Your relationship is fundamentally insecure.
- Your relationship is fundamentally unfair.
- Your relationship is fundamentally self-centered.
- Your relationship is fundamentally inflexible.
- Your relationship fundamentally lacks aliveness.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that whatever you and your partner are arguing about, we can trace it back to one of these flaws in the foundation of your relationship.
When you aren’t aware of your particular flaw, you will keep fruitlessly treating the wrong “symptom.” Resentment and frustration build, and then more issues pop up. That’s why it feels like you’re in quicksand, and trying to fix things just drills you in deeper.
You might be convinced that your problem is that your partner doesn’t know how to manage money and will spend you into bankruptcy. But when we look deeper, we see that most money issues are tied to a lack of security in the relationship. But if you don’t know how to make the relationship fundamentally secure, implementing a budget won’t accomplish anything except create more issues.
Or you think you married a workaholic and you’re always the one doing everything for the kids. So you get your mate to come home from work earlier and help out with dinner. That’s great, but the next day they stay an extra hour at work!
What you don’t realize is that what’s really happening is that your relationship is fundamentally unfair. And so nothing you try works for long.
You’ll Keep Sinking Deeper Unless You Fix The Fundamental Flaw
An affair or other betrayal can be traced back to one of the five fundamental flaws.
Constant bickering, criticism, and blame are all symptoms.
“Growing apart” is also code for couples who don’t realize what’s really at the bottom of things.
And that’s the most dangerous aspect of these flaws—not only do they go undetected, but they creep up on you gradually, eating away at the love between you and your partner.
It’s all too easy to think that jumping ship will make things better, except that unless you come face to face with what’s really happening in your relationship, you’re practically guaranteed an encore with the next person.
Whatever fundamental issues you’re “blind to” in this relationship will follow you, plunging you further and further into despair.
Fix The Foundation and Step Into a Whole New Way of Being With Your Partner
When I’ve helped couples identify the fundamental flaw at the heart of all their relationship issues, they finally have a way out of the stalemate.
I teach them specific tools applicable to THAT fundamental flaw, which gives them a clear-cut action plan that cuts out all the fluff—and in turn eliminates the frustration, despair, and exhaustion.
Instead, the clouds start to part and there’s renewed hope. When two people do this, the results are remarkable and always worth the effort. Yet even ONE person can shift the entire relationship dynamic.
But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs that kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
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- How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
- Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
- Get specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
- What research has shown to be the single greatest predictor of divorce, and what you can do today to reverse this if you recognize it in yourself or your partner.
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It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!
A relationship doesn’t need to lose passion and connection, just because you’ve been together for a long time. Just the opposite! It should get sweeter and more loving with time.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you uncover the hidden issues that are draining your relationship of joy and passion, and help you create and maintain a strong foundation of love and respect, so that your relationship can last a lifetime.
May you have an extraordinary day,
