by Bobbi Palmer
I met my husband online and got married for the first time when I was 47.
I’m sure you know someone who met their mate online, too. In fact millions have found love online. A recent study by sociologists found that some 39% of heterosexual couples that got together in the US in 2017 met online.
This is compared to 27% meeting at a bar, and 20% through friends.
Yes, times are changing, and the way we meet other singles—especially over the age of 40—are also changing.
Then there are all the millions of people who look for love online and don’t find it. Maybe you’re one of those millions.
Maybe you’ve tried online dating before, and hated it.
Or you’ve NEVER tried it, because you’ve heard the horror stories and you didn’t want any part of that.
Or maybe you tried your best to make it work for you, but you were so fed up with all the low-quality responses (or worse, NO responses), you gave up.
Maybe the guys who contacted you didn’t impress you at all. Or maybe you may have experienced spurts of luck, and went on a few first dates, but then… crickets.
The guys you liked didn’t follow up to see you again, or they disappeared, never to be heard from again. Or they told you you’re not their “type”, and you couldn’t help but wonder if that really meant you were too old, or too fat, or maybe too smart and successful?
Regardless of WHY it happens, feeling that rejection is icky…it sucks.
Even—or especially—after the age of 40!
Those are some of the reasons why you probably think you haven’t been fortunate to find your Forever Mate online, and why you’re one of the millions that have either given up on online dating, or have never even tried it.
But the biggest reason I see why some women fail to find love online can be boiled down to this…
The #1 Reason Women Fail to Find Love Online
When women first come to me for coaching, they’ve often tried online dating and failed
The #1 reason I see is that they allow the “NO’s” they hear from men online beat them down (whether literal “no’s” or just the implied “no’s” of no responses).
In other words, you either give up too soon, or don’t even try.
You decide that you don’t need to feel bad about yourself, and besides, you don’t “need” a man, anyway! Your life is just fine the way it is, thank you very much. You have your friends, your career, your home…you certainly don’t need a man to complete you or take care of you.
Okay, so maybe you don’t “need” a man. You just “want” one.
With that in mind, you review the pro’s and con’s of online dating and decide that maybe it’s not for you.
In your mind, online dating is shallow, demoralizing, and wrought with too much rejection and negativity.
But here’s the thing:
Success requires that you to stay positive and hopeful; what you perceive as online rejection can exhaust you mentally. Even if you start with a hopeful, positive attitude when you go online, it will quickly dwindle.
That’s why I’m going to give you 4 strategies—or truths—to help you move forward in online dating keeping your self-esteem intact.
The 4 Truths About Online Dating That Will Keep Your Self-Esteem Intact and Increase Your Chance for Success
If you want to avoid the mental exhaustion that is the biggest cause of giving up too soon, or being afraid to even TRY online dating in the first place, you’ll need to accept certain truths about online dating.
These truths are especially relevant for women over 40, because online dating presents special challenges for us. Unless you know how to perceive those challenges, you’ll just stay stuck in the online-dating-isn’t-for-me mindset, which will narrow your chances of meeting a good, grownup man where you live considerably.
And that’s unfortunate, because online dating is the very best chance you have at finding a good man with whom to share your life if you’re a woman over 40.
Find Your True LoveYou may know this, because you’ve already tried meeting single men your age “organically” through friends, clubs or the grocery store without much luck.
So here are the 4 truths that—if you embrace them—will enable you to look at online dating in a whole new, positive light, and will therefore keep your self-esteem intact and vastly increase your chances of finding Mr. I Love You online:
1 The men on online dating sites and apps don’t know you.
The reason why rejection hurts sometimes is because you’re taking a man’s lack of interest or response personally, as if it’s a reflection of your date-ability and wort
But, what does that guy really know about you? Maybe 20 sentences, and the answers to a questionnaire and a few photos. If he doesn’t “pick” you, or don’t answer your email, take a deep breath and remember:
There are 1000 reasons a guy won’t be interested and 999 of them have nothing to do with YOU.
They want someone who looks like their ex, someone who skis, someone without kids, someone who doesn’t have kids at home, etc. These things have absolutely nothing to do with who you are or even what you look like.
The way I see it, it’s better he NOT chose you and waste your time, causing you heartache and disappointment later. And let’s be honest, there are a myriad of reasons YOU reject guys online as well. You wouldn’t expect them to take it personally and feel all crappy about it, right?
2 True rejection is not the same as online rejection.
Let’s separate true rejection from online rejection. You have a right to cry in your wine if the guy you’ve been dating for 3 months, who has truly gotten to KNOW you and you him, suddenly stops calling or breaks up with you.
That feels crappy and like rejection, for sure.
But the guy not responding to your “like” or your email or not asking you out after a couple of phone conversations…that’s just part of the process that’s going to lead you to some fun dates and eventually your Mr. I Love You.
Move on without wasting one moment or one bit of energy. You have things to do!
3 Men online over 40 can be like kids in a candy store.
A lot of women are emailing that tall 60-year-old man with a great head of hair, who looks healthy and has an active life and good career.
Imagine it like this – I asked a client about this recently: “You meet a guy in Starbucks and after a very brief chat he takes your card and he never calls. Would this bother you?” I asked. ”No”…she said. “I’d figure he probably went off to live his busy life and, since he didn’t really know me, I just kind of dropped out of his mind. That wouldn’t bother me.”
Well, imagine that he went home after Starbucks and there were 25 women waiting for him with open arms. Some even have candy for him and are wearing sexy outfits. That can be what it’s like for a guy online. The good ones with great profiles have lots of choices. They can meet a lot of women. That’s just the truth. (And that’s why you need an EDGE when it comes to using online dating to meet these types of men!)
4 Your age actually counts in your favor.
You imagine that your age is a disadvantage, but you’d be wrong. It’s actually an advantage!
One advantage to being a woman over 40 is that you have the perspective of a life well lived.
Instead of tapping into the insecure 18 year old who is biting her nails waiting for the phone to ring and wondering what’s wrong with her when it doesn’t, grab the confident, experienced woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That’s you!
Mastering the art of accepting rejection gracefully will most certainly help you stay online long enough to find your true love.
This is exactly how I did it and millions of others have! Take responsibility for managing your feelings, and use this as the powerful tool it is to lead to you love.
The good news is that I can help.
As a dating coach, I’ve helped thousands of women in the last 10 years find love online by teaching them the skills and secrets of using technology to attract the right man.
But since I can’t possibly work with every individual who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
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- The 6 truths about men and online dating that most women don’t know, don’t believe, or don’t understand, and how these truths can transform your expectations about dating online.
- How to handle a situation where a man you’ve written doesn’t respond, responds but doesn’t initiate a meeting, or starts messaging you but then disappears—so that you don’t lose your sanity or confidence.
- The one word mantra that can help you deal with men who don’t write back, act weird, or say inappropriate things, so you can feel confident and not waste your time on jerks.
- The 3 principles of online dating that will help you stay motivated and inspired, no matter what bad experiences you’ve had with online dating and how hopeless you feel now.
- The 1 pitfall women commonly fall into with online dating because they don’t understand the psychology of mature, relationship-minded men…and how to avoid it.
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Love,
